mary ellen (eating_secrets) wrote,
mary ellen

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after 2 years...

me and kyle realized something. we'd probably be really good for each other rite now. but he still wants to be with lacie and i don't believe in relationships or love...or kyle. i remember the shit he put me thru for the some odd months i could have called him mine. i just need to myself. boys will come and go and sometime eventually heartache heals. i mean, come on. example number one: joel. joel was my best friend and i don't mean that lightly. he understood me. he loved me in his own odd way. not in the way i tried to convince myself i love him. we evolved into...more than friends for a bit. and for him, it's not what he wanted. considering my heart felt smashed and i didn't want to feel anything ever again...i moved on. me and joel became the very best of friends again, and sometimes he thought we should be more...but in the end, when i got him out of my heart, i realized that we wouldn't be together. we were meant to be friends. and i'm fine with that. still to this day.
example number 2: *sighs of disgust* mike bender. me and mike, i must one of my favorite memories. me and mike...we had a summer and how! it took him 3 weeks to convince me to go out with him. at first i was head over heels for kyle. and when i told mike that me and kyle made things rather...offical (he asked me out 6th grade style), mike was upset and i could tell. now i had a bit of a crush on mike at the time, but his ridiculousness...drove me away from him. and the fact that sheila thought his "fro" was crazy. so we hung up that nite, so i could call kyle...and mike called back 5 seconds later. this was the convo
mike-"i...i love you"
and he won me over with those stupid words that apparently have no meaning or symbolism anymore. and so we were...mary and mike. i love mary was written in wax at the infamous timberline shopping center. we were together for 7 months.(i'm so proud of that!) the move to collingswood threatened our relationship, if, at the point, you could even call it that. people who know mike bender and his french curve will understand what i mean. but if anything, it grew stronger. then..mike called one day after i made it know to the people not listening to me sing in the "living room", that tonite i sang for mike. i ran home with eagerness to tell him. and he told me he liked bethany...and it was undeniable. so that was it for me and mike. i never thought i'd get over that...and even at times i thought about him. until i found something to make me smile again. and it's the same thing that's making me frown rite now.
so yea, my point is, over time, my heart will heal and i'll start believing in love or something like that again. but as for now, the only person i believe in is myself. i know for damn sure the time being will be hard. and i know i'll cry a lot. and wake up and go back to sleep until someone calls promising to make me smile...
all i have really now is some advice. and i think it's totally true...and it came from the oddest person...
"never fall in love. never even to consider it. it'll leave you heart broken and wanting to die."
so instead of being bitter and hateful, which i am at the moment, i'll just take some time off from the male speices. for a long time. i don't trust them. i got fucked over 3 times in a row. how's that for a happy ending?
i don't want to regret anything, but i hate feeling like i've wasted a lot of time trying. it wasn't really a waste, just...shitty. it's been shitty for a while. and i had one promise to help me thru and i lost that too. so fuck being co-dependent.
and anyway, me and kyle could easily work something out. but i don't want kyle. i mean, i enjoy his company..and his money. and the fact that he's from sewell and doesn't smell. it wouldn't be rite. i mean a) i'm definitly not ready to even thing about kissing other boys and starting something. and b) i don't need him. i don't need anyone really. all i need i have, and that's myself.
my happiness means a lot to me. even if it means giving up on the one thing that used to keep me breathing. but i didn't give up. i tried. and i'm still trying( sorry brendan)
speaking of breadan, i think i'll take his adice. give a couple of weeks..or let the scorn for males burn away. and then maybe consider having a relationship. or something a little less than a relationship. cause as of now, i don't want to be with someone. offical or not. god i'm a raging retard. offical. sheesh.
my point is, that i'm not giving up, i'm taking a break.
i'm not like you. i don't give up so easily.
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